10 Rules for a More Loving Relationship
Nobody really likes being told to follow rules, am I right? But rules ARE necessary when two or more of us are put together, because we need rules to help maintain harmony in any group. In an elementary school classroom? Check. At a traffic intersection? Check, check. In a BDSM dungeon? Check, check, che – (well, if everyone wants the optimal experience, that is…)
And loving relationships are no different. We often think of relationships as having two partners (or more, if polyamorous), but it is much more helpful to think of relationships as consisting of three entities – you, your partner and the relationship itself. This perspective can allow us to see that, in addition to taking care of each other, the relationship needs tending too.
Below are 10 “rules” that can allow us to better care for ourselves, our partners and the relationship, and in doing so, create a deeper, stronger, more lasting bond.
#1 - Listen!
We all know how frustrating it can be to feel ignored and, conversely, how empowering it can be to feel truly listened to, to really feel heard.
Active listening is a technique used by therapists and other professionals to engage the speaker, build trust, and deepen the conversation. Active listening is done by maintaining eye contact, nodding your head in acknowledgement or agreement of what’s being said, and by brief interjections into the conversation, such as “yes” or “go on.” Active listening doesn’t mean agreeing, it simply means you’re giving your partner your undivided attention, valuing what it is they have to say. Using this technique benefits you, your partner and the relationship!
#2 - Express Gratitude
Saying “Please” and “Thank you” for something lets the other know they’re appreciated. Telling others something nice about your partner (with him/her there) takes it even further. And a sincere “Thank you for choosing me” or “I appreciate you being in my life” – even years into the relationship – leaves no doubt that no one takes the other for granted.
#3 - Indulge Each Other's Passions
Similarities are great in a relationship, as they ensure common interests, activities, and pursuits, and give plenty to talk to each other about. But not all relationships are built this way. Many couples have differences in culture, hobbies, and interests.
Exploring our partner’s passions can not only help us to expand our horizons, but also lend support to the relationship and show your partner that you honor and respect their values. You’re a rock guy, but he likes opera? Go to one with him. (Better yet, buy tickets to a show and surprise him!) She loves Rom-coms, but you think they’re dreadfully boring? Pop some popcorn and watch along! (If the movie doesn’t delight you, seeing how much your partner is enjoying it probably will!).
#4 - Be Supportive
Setting your own needs aside to listen/be there speaks volumes about how much you honor, respect and value the emotional challenges your partner is going through. Sometimes all we need to do is be present and attentive to make the other feel better.
And sometimes that means making tiny sacrifices. Midget Mudwrestlers from Melbourne is on in 5 minutes, but your honey is prattling on about the blockhead in the cubicle next to him at work? Let those mudslingers wait! (and see rule #1). Listen, nod and repeat back. Your significant other will appreciate it and maybe want to do a little mudwrestling afterward!
#5 - Be Vulnerable
One of the hallmarks of a genuine and honest relationship is that each partner is unafraid to be open about their true feelings. It can feel scary to share your feelings for fear of being judged or maybe hurting the other person, but if you do it, you can ask your partner to do it too. Sharing your genuine fears, desires, or any feelings at all, with each other – and each of you listening without judgement – can be a very powerful and bonding force in the relationship.
#6 - Balance "Me" and "Us"
Even in relationships where all parties have a ton of common interests, people are still individual human beings after all. And as much as you might love doing things with your partner, everyone needs “me” time at some point or other. Discuss with your partner how much you would each like to do “your own thing” and make a commitment to spend the rest of the time doing things together. You’ll be taking care of each individual, but also the relationship!
#7 - Sex and Physical Intimacy
Many relationships (especially in the gay community) start off as physical/sexual contact. If lucky enough to blossom into a full romantic relationship, somewhere along the way, it’s pretty common to find that sex and physical intimacy start to take a back seat to the other parts of daily life. But don’t ignore that because physical intimacy is a very important to the overall intimacy in a relationship. To make sure you’re “making contact”, schedule sexy time with your partner if you must. And remember that physical intimacy doesn’t just mean sex. You could sign up for an activity to do together that requires you to be in close physical contact, like ballroom dancing, a massage class or couple’s yoga, for example.
Remember that just because something’s planned, doesn’t make it any less authentic!
#8 - Try Something New Together
As humans we all need stimulation to varying degrees. And in a relationship, trying something new together is a great bonding experience! Try things like traveling somewhere new, taking a class, tasting a new cuisine, or any other sort of activity that neither of you have done before. This allows you to build intimacy by giving you both shared experiences that build on your common memories and quality time spent together.
#9 - Change Up Your Routine!
Most people are creatures of habit and we fall into routines quite easily. This is great for stability and saving your mental energy for making daily decisions, but it can quickly become boring and affect your relationship without you realizing it at first. Keep in mind that it’s healthy to change things up every now and then.
This can be as simple as taking the stairs instead of the elevator, taking a different route home, or meeting up for a spontaneous date night instead of having dinner at home. The possibilities are endless and the benefits are great!
And finally #10 - Make Plans For The Future
Loving relationships are built on a desire to create a life together, so why not draw up some plans for the future? These don’t have to be serious plans like career paths or investments (although these are both important and CAN be fun, if you’re so inclined!), but can simply be building dreams of something in the distance.
Making a “bucket list” or “fun list” of things to do locally or afar, in both the short- and long-term will help remind you and your partner that you are on this journey together, and make you feel like you are both progressing towards something in the future…together! Having a mutually-planned vacation or project to look forward to can keep you both very excited and connected to one another
