Coming Out to Yourself
(Note – The word “gay” is used here to mean all LGBTQ+ individuals)
Coming out is a process of understanding, accepting, and valuing your sexual orientation/identity.
The first step in the coming out process is coming out to yourself. This involves a good deal of self-exploration – reviewing personal and sexual feelings, understanding that you’re normal, finding other people like you and being able to relate to them, and, finally, being comfortable with who you are. It is usually after these steps are navigated, that a person is ready to come out to others and begin living authentically.
In coming out – both to ourselves and to others – there are emotional stages we go through. These may range from denial (I can’t be gay!) all the way to acceptance (I’m know I’m gay and I’m comfortable with who I am). The stages take time to work through, but they all begin with a look inward. Because getting to know yourself is the first step in accepting yourself.
Answering the following questions honestly can help us understand ourselves a bit better.
Personal Feelings:
- Do you think you’re different than most people? How so?
- When did you first know you were different?
- Have you ever felt shame or embarrassment about your difference(s)?
- Have you ever thought you were gay (LGBTQ)?
Sexual Feelings:
- Are you more attracted sexually to men, women, both or neither?
- When did you start having these feelings?
- When you fantasize, who and what do you fantasize about?
- Have you ever had same sex contact or looked at same-sex pornography?
- If so, what was your reaction?
Feelings of Normalcy:
- What are some stereotypes about gay people?
- What is/was your family’s view of gay people?
- Have you ever had to deny your sexuality or feel embarrassed by it? For example:
- “Why don’t you have boy/girlfriend?”“When are you going to get married?”
- “I think that guy/girl might be gay.”
- “That guy acts like a girl / That girl acts like a boy.”
- “Oh, that’s so gay / What a gay thing to do.”
- Have you ever been traumatized or embarrassed by your sexuality? For example:
- Someone told on you and/or something you did.
- Someone bullied you or abused you.
- Someone found out about you / something you did.
Finding Community:
- Have you ever been curious to learn more about gay people’s lives?
- Have you even been on a gay forum or used a gay dating app?
- Have you ever been to a gay club / social group / bar?
- Have you ever wished you could make gay friends?
Finding the Self:
- How would your life have developed if you didn’t have to worry about judgement or rejection?
- If nobody cared, or if nothing bad would happen, how would you define your sexuality?
These questions are not designed to tell you what to do.
They are to help you better understand yourself, the way you view gay society, and the way you think society views gay people. But they should give you some answers about yourself. Chances are that if you’re on this website and reading this post that you’re already sure about your sexuality/identity. But then the question is what to do with that information. Do you keep it a secret and continue they way life has been, or do you share the truth with others so you can live without secrets and be loved for who you really are?
The answer to that begins with a question: Are you happy?
And we mean truly happy. Happy and free and living without fear or shame. At the end of the day, happiness and overall good health go hand in hand. There is a lot written by psychologists about the harm done to us by keeping secrets, living with fear or shame, and about the difficulty we may have developing deep, meaningful relationships when we keep parts of ourselves hidden. There are many reasons to come out, some you may have heard of (read here) and some you may not have thought of (read here). Perhaps the most important is that the majority of people who have come out (across all countries) report feeling happier, freer, more honest and authentic, and able to have closer and deeper relationships
Once you accept that you’re gay, you can decide to be out to others or to stay “in the closet.” You may decide to come out in one part of your life and not in another. For example, some people are out to a friend, but not to their families; some people are out to their families, but not out at work. You are the only person who can decide when, how and to whom it is safe to come out. It is a personal decision, one that is not always easy to make.
We’re here for you when you need us.