Stages of Coming Out for friends, family and co-workers
In Good Grief! The Stages of Coming Out, we discussed Elizabeth Kubler Ross’s “Stages of Grief” and how they relate to the process of Coming Out. We said that the Stages are not only relevant to our coming out to ourselves, but they also apply those we come out to.
In a perfect world, when we come out to someone, they’d simply say, “Yeah, okay, so what?” (Imagine that!) But the truth is usually a deeper, more confused reaction, especially if we don’t fit a stereotype, or if we’ve hidden ourselves very well in the closet. The people we come out to oftentimes need to work through the same emotions that WE had to work through before deciding to come out. And, just as coming out is a process for us, it’s a process for them too.
You might find that people need some time to accept you as you are. They may need to work through the stages and feel all the emotions that go along with that before they can reach the acceptance stage. The following are the Stages of Grief as they might be experienced by an unsuspecting parent:
Denial – You can’t be gay. No child of mine is gay. I don’t want to hear about it. You just haven’t found the right person yet.
Anger – How could you do this to our family? What did we do wrong? What will our friends think? Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone else. You’re screwing your life up.
Bargaining – This is a phase, you’ll grow out of it. We’ll find a doctor or therapist for you. Why don’t we find a date for you? Why would you choose to be gay? I don’t ever want to meet anyone you’re with. Are you still gay?
Depression – You are going to have a very difficult life. You’re going to get fired from your job. We’ll never have grandkids. The family name will not be passed along. We don’t know who you are anymore.
Acceptance – Thank you for telling me. I appreciate your honesty. We want you to be happy and we’re here for you.
There can be a lot of confusion amongst loved ones when presented with our authentic Selves. Being open and honest with them, creating the space for them to ask questions and have open dialogue (even if they may fumble or don’t have the language to speak freely on the subject), and doing so confidently will go a long way towards bringing them to acceptance. Just as it may not have been easy for you to come out to yourself or others, it is not always easy for others to be come out to. Moving forward in a patient, loving and supportive manner can help others see, accept and embrace the true YOU.