The 5 W’s of Coming Out
Make a plan for Coming Out
Coming out is a huge event, one with countless rewards, but also possible risks. It is, without a doubt, one of the most important things you will ever do for yourself. And while there is no right or wrong way to come out – how it is best done is up to the person coming out – there are some things to consider that can make the process easier for you and those you come out to. Let’s look at some of them through the five “W”s: When, Who, Why, How, and What.
Come out at your own pace, in your own way, and when you are ready.
Coming out is a process, one you’ll repeat with each person you come out to. It is a difficult and possibly risky thing to do. You must make sure that YOU’RE ready, and that you’re coming out for YOU, not because other people have come out, or because you feel pressured by someone to do it. When you’re ready to come out, you’ll know it. There will still be a LOT of fear to deal with before you finally “have the talk”, but you’ll definitely know when it’s time.
Be sure you’re comfortable with your sexuality / identity before coming out.
As we’ve said, it’s important that you know you’re ready to come out. It’s also important that you know who you are and why you want to come out. This seems like a silly and obvious thing to say, but once you’ve come out of the closet, there’s no going back in. So, an important part of the coming out process is first coming out to yourself, being comfortable with your sexuality/identity and “owning” it, and being able to put that into words to share with others.
Questions that might help you get to know this better are:
- When did you first know you were LGBTQ?
- Have you ever had to deny your sexuality or felt embarrassed by it?
- What would your life be like if your sexuality wasn’t an issue?
Answering these and going through thoughts and memories of real and imagined encounters can help to reinforce us out sexual identities.
Make a plan
Such an important life event is best managed with a plan. Your coming out plan should include as many details of who, what, why, when, where, and how as possible. You may find it helpful to write everything down and/or make a checklist.
WHO –
Deciding who to (or not to) come out to is an important decision. It is usually best to choose a trusted, supportive person, someone who can keep your news a secret if you ask them to. A good place to start might be with a close friend, someone who has a lot of gay friends, or someone who is already gay. In deciding about coming out to family, you may want to start off with a sibling because it might be easier for them to understand differences in sexuality/identity. You could also choose to tell one parent first and then use that parent’s help to tell the other. If deciding whether to come out at work, it is important to remember that many workplaces do not offer protections for LGBTQ people. But even if they do, it’s important to be aware that employees gossip, and managers can discriminate in a way that isn’t obviously based on your sexuality.
Be it friend, family or workplace, if there is someone you want to come out to, but are not sure if that person would be receptive, it can be helpful to discuss LGBTQ topics first, just to get a feel for their reaction. “I heard Taiwan made gay marriage legal. What do you think about that?” or “They’re debating the 377A law in Singapore. Have you heard about that?” or “I just read an article about same sex couples adopting kids. What do you think?” or “I heard Kal Penn is gay”. Introducing topics such as these can “break the ice” and, based on a person’s reaction, help you understand their thoughts and feelings before you come out to them.
WHEN –
Simply put, do it when you’re ready. But more specifically, plan to come out to someone when you’re not rushed, when you both have time to discuss and process the news. It is also important to be in a good state of mind. You don’t want to come out when you’re angry, frustrated, tired, or otherwise distracted. Finally, it is not advised to come out at someone else’s celebration, such as a birthday, wedding or graduation; rather, it’s best to come out at a time when your news can be the sole focus of the event.
WHERE –
There are several things to think about when deciding where to deliver the big news. Many people choose a private place to avoid the commotion and distractions that can happen in public places, and to avoid any possible public embarrassment from a negative reaction by those we come out to. Privacy has advantages because a quiet setting can be more intimate for a personal discussion. On the other hand, if coming out to someone may cause a physical threat or danger, a public place is most likely the best option for you.
WHY –
We spoke about this above, but the main “why” is because you are ready to be you, and to tell the world just who you are. You don’t need a reason to come out. But some reasons might be because you are proud and comfortable with yourself as a person; because you feel uncomfortable keeping your sexuality suppressed; because you want to meet others who share your sexuality and be a part of the LGBTQ community and a part of its larger history; because you are (or want to be) in a relationship and want to introduce people to your partner. Again, no one needs a reason to come out, but as part of the planning process, it’s helpful for us to know exactly why we’re doing it.
HOW –
There are many ways to come out. Some celebrities have come out publicly on TV talk shows, some in interviews, some have made announcement videos on YouTube. But for most of us, coming out is a quieter, more intimate affair. Spend some time visualizing the scene in your mind and practicing what you’re going to say. It’s not uncommon to be all set to tell someone but get so nervous in the moment that you have to put it off until later. If you know what you want to say, but cannot find the strength to say it, you might find it helpful to write that person a letter.
Some people find it easiest to come out on social media, as there is no immediate discussion or questions to answer. But it’s important to remember that social media can be shared/forwarded, possibly to people and places you don’t want it to go. Voicemails and texts are other options, as are video calls, which can allow you to hang up if the conversation turns badly. Perhaps the simplest approach is to schedule a special time in a place with no distractions to share your exciting news.
WHAT –
Once you know who you’re going to tell and where you’re going to tell them, you’ll need to decide what you’re going to tell them. Your choice of words is a personal matter, of course, but it is important to choose your words with love. Remember that as difficult as it is for you to come out, it may be just as difficult for those you come out to. People have seen you a certain way and you’re telling them you’re not who they thought you were. It might be difficult for them to understand or accept at first. It’s also possible they may not know any gay people or not know how to talk about this issue. Allow the other person space and time to process the information. Often, people want to say something supportive but don’t know how to respond. They may be silent for a while. That’s okay. It’s up to you to lead the conversation, make a safe space for discussion, and be prepared for whatever response you might get.
This does not mean you have to answer every question you are asked, especially personal/sexual ones. It’s perfectly fine to say, “I’m not comfortable talking about that right now, but maybe we can in the future.”
CELEBRATE!
While coming out is a process that repeats itself over and over throughout our lives, coming out the first few times is a milestone and should be celebrated! You have worked hard, planned well and had the courage to show your authentic self to the world, to stand up and be counted for who you are. Do something nice for yourself! Have a spa day! Go have dinner at a fancy restaurant! Throw yourself a Coming Out Party!