The Importance of ‘Coming Home’ for Asian LGBTQ
Why some Asians don't like the term "Coming Out"
Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past three decades, you would have heard the term “coming out” in the context of the LGBTQ+ community. It’s a longstanding term to describe publicly disclosing one’s sexuality or gender identity. While this may be a liberating and empowering experience for some, it is not always the case, especially for those of us from Asian cultures where there is a strong emphasis on family and community. In fact, some people in my own social circle even think of the term “coming out” as. a “Western” concept that is alien to us.
In Asian cultures, there is a concept known as “coming home” that serves as an alternative to the idea of “coming out”. “Coming home” is a more nuanced and culturally specific concept that acknowledges the importance of family and community ties, while still allowing individuals to express their authentic selves.
All of this is tied up with the different ways in which “Western” and Asian people see themselves. Personally I have never thought of myself as an individual in the same way as an American would, and it wasn’t until I lived in the US for a few years that I came to realise that Americans in particular think of their “selves” in very different ways than Asians do. For instance, most of us would prioritise maintaining strong relationships with our loved ones over expressing our sexuality or gender identity openly. As an Asian person, I find my sense of identity comes from the relationships I have with others, like my family and workplace, and not as a free-standing individual with inherent traits and goals that are to be placed first and foremost above all else. And so the idea of “coming out” might seem too confrontational and direct for an Asian person.
Enter "Coming Home"
The concept of “coming home” recognises that for many Asian LGBTQ+ individuals, their identity is not just about themselves, but also about their families and communities. “Coming home” acknowledges that the process of coming out can be difficult and potentially damaging to familial relationships, and offers an alternative that is more focused on mutual respect and understanding.
In contrast to the individualistic nature of “coming out”, where the person coming out essentially is declaring “this is me” with the subtext of “and I deserve to be me”, “coming home” centres on the collective and emphasises the importance of maintaining family harmony. Instead of viewing LGBTQ+ identities as something that needs to be publicly declared and defended, “coming home” allows individuals to express their identity in a more subtle and nuanced way, through small gestures and actions that are understood by their loved ones.
One example of “coming home” in practice is the concept of “chosen family”. In many Asian cultures, the idea of family extends beyond blood relations to include close friends and community members. LGBTQ+ individuals may find comfort and support in creating their own chosen family, comprised of individuals who understand and accept their identity. This allows them to maintain close relationships with their biological family while also finding a sense of belonging and support within their chosen family.
Another example of “coming home” is very gentle and gradual introduction of significant others first as “friends”, to win affection and acceptance by the family, before acknowledging that they are perhaps more than just “friends”.
Overall, the concept of “coming home” offers a more culturally nuanced and respectful approach to LGBTQ+ identity in Asian communities. It allows individuals to express their identity in a way that is meaningful and authentic, while still prioritizing family and community harmony. While “coming out” may work for some, it’s important to acknowledge and respect the cultural differences that exist and offer alternative approaches to supporting LGBTQ+ individuals in different cultural contexts.