The Stages of Coming Out
Coming Out is a Process
We’ve said it before and will say it again a thousand times, Coming Out is a process. It’s a process we do internally (over time to fully accept ourselves), a process we do with others (each time we let another fully know who we are), and a process others go through to accept us when we come out to them.
An important part of the Coming Out process – for us and for those we come out to – is the need to “unlearn” the LGBTQ myths and stereotypes we’ve heard all our lives and have come to believe are true. We are usually reluctant to come out because of uncertainty in ourselves and uncertainty of how others will react to us coming out. Both these fears are usually based on a preconceived notion of what gay people are like – what they look like, how they act, what they can and can’t do, etc. These stereotypes are usually based on what is portrayed in the media and/or believed by our families and friends. So, a major task in us accepting us and of others accepting us, is to “unlearn” those stereotypes, to release them from our psyches, and emotionally bury them.
What's the connection with grief?
While this burial/acceptance process moves us closer to our true Selves, it is also rife with loss – the loss of imagined/hoped-for heterosexuality, the loss of heteronormative societal expectations, the loss of not fulfilling our parent’s dreams of a traditional wedding and subsequent grandchildren, the loss of the emotional shelter being in the closet provides, the loss of our inauthentic selves – the people we pretended to be all these years. And just as with other losses in life – loved ones, relationships, pets, a job – getting over them involves a certain amount of grieving.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist and expert on near-death studies, first outlined the stages of grief associated with death and loss in her groundbreaking book, On Death and Dying (1969). These stages of grief have been recognized and accepted internationally for not only death, but for emotional losses of all kinds. The stages are as follows, with examples in parentheses as if you had a loved one just about to die:
- Denial (They’ll pull through this, I’m sure. It’ll all be okay).
- Anger (The doctors aren’t doing enough!! Why is God making us all suffer?!!)
- Bargaining (If you let him/her live, I’ll give the rest of my life to helping people.)
- Depression (Oh, s/he’s going to die. I feel so lost, helpless, and empty…)
- Acceptance (You were the love of my life. I don’t know how I’m going to carry on.)
The stages aren’t linear, that is, we don’t work through one, then move onto the next. We may experience two or more stages simultaneously. This is important because we work through these same stages as we Come Out to ourselves. For example:
- Denial – I can’t be gay. I don’t fit the stereotype. I don’t know any gay people. I’ve never had sex with a guy/girl, so I can’t be gay. This is just a phase I’m going through.
- Anger – This isn’t fair. Why do I have to be gay? Why can’t I be normal? I don’t like gay people.
- Bargaining – Maybe if I date the opposite sex, I’ll grow out of this. My friends and family will be okay with things if I just don’t talk about it. Maybe I can just get married and keep my urges under control.
- Depression – Everyone is going to hate me. I’m going to bring shame on my family. My life is going to be awful.
- Acceptance – I’m gay. And I’m much more than my sexuality. I can achieve great things. I want loving, mutually rewarding relationships.
Not only do we as LGBTQ people go through these stages, but so do the people we come out to. More on that in another article. For now, it’s helpful to remember that Coming Out is an emotional process of burying the old in order to embrace the new, and that path to authenticity and self-acceptance is traveled in stages, rather than all at once.