What does it mean to “Come Out”?
What does it mean to “Come Out”?
The term “coming out” is a shortened version of the phrase “coming out of the closet”. Being “in the closet” is a metaphor for keeping ourselves (or part of ourselves – our sexuality) hidden away. So, “coming out” is the process of recognizing, accepting, and sharing with others one’s sexual identity. Coming out is not a single event, but a life-long process.
Why is it a life-long process?
In most societies, people generally assume that everyone is heterosexual. Rules, laws and social norms are built around this assumption. Those of us who are LGBTQ must continually decide in what situations and with whom we want to correct that assumption by disclosing our sexual orientation. In every new situation and with every new person we meet, we must decide whether or not to share our true selves, whether to come out to them.
How does someone come out?
The simple answer is to tell people about your sexuality and identity. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. There are many stages in the coming out process, and the process is not exactly the same for every person.
Generally speaking, the coming out process begins with coming out to ourselves. This means that we have personally considered the thoughts, feelings and emotions of our sexuality/identity and come to accept our LGBTQ orientation, understanding it as a fundamental part of who we are. This can be difficult, frightening and even depressing for many people, because, like almost everyone else in society, we have heard myths and learned negative stereotypes about homosexuality as we were growing up, which may have led to fear, shame and self-doubt.
But when we finally “come out to ourselves” and accept that we simply “are who we are”, we may be ready to share that part of ourselves with others. There are many rewards to coming out, such as living more honestly and authentically, being able to form deeper, more lasting relationships, and living with an increased sense of Self and personal freedom. Indeed, coming out is a life-changing experience. But there are also risks, such as rejection from friends and family, and confronting homophobic attitudes and discriminatory practices in society. The decision to come out should include some careful planning, and weighing the advantages and disadvantages of coming out is part of the process.
Can I be out to some people, but not others?
Sure. As we’ve said, coming out is a process. Few people come out to everyone at once. Most people come out to a trusted friend or family member, then another, then another as their comfort level increases. A person may be out to some people and not to others, or out in some situations, but closeted in others. For example, a person might be out to friends, but not to their family. A person might be out while traveling or living abroad, but not in their hometown. Someone might be out to their family, but not at work. But, generally speaking, when most people say, “I’m out” they mean publicly, to a degree that the revelation of their sexuality/identity by themselves or others is no longer a personal concern.
Is it "worth it" to come out?
That’s a very good question, and the answer is, YES! If you enter, Is it worth it to come out into Google, you’ll see results that agree it is an overwhelmingly positive experience. Beyond that, the internet is filled with stories of LGBTQ people who have gone through the difficult process of coming out – some risking everything- only to say what a liberating, empowering, self-affirming and life- changing experience it was. That a new life began when they came out, one with less stress of keeping secrets, of living authentically, of feeling connected to a larger LGBTQ family, of being able to form deep, meaningful relationships, and of finally feeling comfortable within themselves.
If you have any questions about coming out, or need support in the process, click here.