Some Ideas On What to Say When Coming Out

Coming out is a very personal process and is different for everyone. Some people prefer to come out to a group of people all at once, for example, by posting on social media. Other people prefer to come out to people face to face, maybe one at a time. You will need to decide which approach is best for you (and for the people you’re coming out to). Regardless of which way you choose, talking about coming out – having that all-important conversation – is difficult.

What you say is important.

To begin with, your words should be personal and heartfelt. Most people are nervous the first few times they come out and words may not come easily in the moment. To help you think about this, we’ve listed a few conversation starters here. When you’ve decided what you want to say, it might be helpful for you to write it all down and rehearse it a few times.

A few ideas to start the conversation:

• You’re so important to me, I want to always be honest with you. Can I share something with you that’s really personal? . . . I’m                                    .

• Do you think it’s hard for people to be LGBTQ?  . . . (During discussion) . . . Well, from my experience as a ___________ person, I can say . . .

• Have you ever had a secret you kept for a long time? What was it? . . . I have one. Can I share it with you? I’m ___________.
• What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? (After they answer) . . .Mine is right now. Can I tell you something?
• What do you think about gay people around the world asking for equal rights?  . . .  (After discussion) . . . I was asking because I’m gay too.
• I value our friendship so much. Can I trust you to tell you something no one else knows about me? I’m                                .
• ‘I’ve been thinking about my sexuality a lot recently and have realized that I’m                                . It would mean a lot if you could tell me that you still love and accept me.’
• I have something to tell you, but it’s so difficult and I’m so nervous. Can we talk?
• Do you remember when you asked me why you’ve never seen me with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Well, there’s a reason for that. It’s because I’m                             .

Coming out is difficult and takes courage. Some people will welcome the news immediately. Others might have a less positive response or take longer to adapt. It’s important to think about how you want to tell others and how the conversation might go with various people in your life.

Setting the mood:

It’s normal to be nervous when coming out to someone, especially when we’re not sure how the person you are telling will react. It can be helpful (and make it less awkward) to have a shared experience, such as watching a movie or lecture together, to help you judge whether to tell that person and/or to help ease into the conversation. Here are some good gay movies that can help start a discussion. They cover the LGBTQ spectrum, so research a specific title before watching it to make sure it’s right for you and your chosen company.

Drama

Moonlight           Brokeback Mountain        A Single Man       

Your Name Engraved Herein        Call Me By Your Name

Twilight’s Kiss        The Handmaiden        Happy Together

God’s Own Country        Portrait of a Lady on Fire        Carol

Comedy

The Birdcage        In and Out        The Wedding Banquet      Pride            

But I’m a Cheerleader        Saving Face        Imagine Me and You

The Half of It        To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything    

There are many others not listed here, as well as television shows, books, news articles or YouTube lectures you might share, watch together and discuss.

A Plan is Important

In conclusion, in the process of coming out, having a good plan is essential. It’s helpful to think through what you’ll say, how you’ll say it, even where you’ll say it, in order to make the process less awkward and flow more smoothly.

And remember: Even though coming out can be a challenge, it can also be incredibly liberating. Nearly everyone who has come out reports feeling an increased sense of confidence, freedom, and personal empowerment, and see coming out as the first step to living authentically as themselves.

If you have questions about coming out, want to talk about the process or would like some guidance or support, click here.