Why do we come out? (Part One)

Deep in our core, most of us have the desire to come out of the closet. We want to live authentically, be ourselves in the open, and have people love us for being who we are, not who we pretend to be. These are certainly good and just reasons to come out, but there are other reasons we may not often think about.

The following reasons to come out may not be the most obvious, but they are important – some for improving our mental health, some for improving our interpersonal relationships, and others to further the acceptance of our place in society and those of our LGBTQ brothers and sisters. 

Consider the following: 

Keeping secrets – Keeping secrets can take a toll on our health. It is stressful having to keep secrets, to live a “double life,” and to always have to “cover your tracks”. And the longer we keep the secret, the more damage it can do to our psyches. The following is from an article on secrets in the publication Psychology Today:

Keeping secrets causes emotional distress depending on its [the secret’s] nature and sensitivity. It can trigger depression, anxiety, and poor overall personal health. To maintain secrecy, it must be on constant guard not to wittingly or unwittingly reveal itself, which causes stress. For example, if a person cheats on a significant other, they might feel guilt and shame. A secret that instills guilt or shame is more likely to infringe on a person’s recurring thoughts.

This constant vigilance creates a secrecy spiral. When the secret comes into the consciousness, the person must repress it, and the guilt or shame accompanies the clandestine memory. The secret keeper must reassert thought repression to avoid revealing the secret or experiencing a reoccurrence of guilt or shame. The secret must be put under constant surveillance to prevent inadvertent disclosure. Inevitably, the thought of the secret will reemerge, activating the ever-tightening secrecy spiral, increasing anxiety and stress.

If it is detrimental to disclose the secret, then revealing it feels not possible. The secret keeper is left in a constant state of anxiety with accompanying guilt or shame.

Coming out eliminates what for most of us is our deepest and longest held secret. It eliminates the constant fear of being “found out,” and all the stress, guilt and shame that goes along with it. Nearly everyone who comes out reports feelings of freedom, of honesty, of better sense of Self. These feelings of “lightness” and “relief” come from shedding the mental and emotional weight of keeping the secret buried, and constantly worrying whether it will be somehow revealed. 

Read the full article on Secrets and Anxiety here